Building a trusting relationship is the goal for most couples. We all want to feel understood and connected to the person we’re building a life with.
One of the biggest factors in making that happen is communication. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve seen that the happiest couples always take the time to show interest, check in, make space for honesty, and find small ways to make each other feel seen.
Here are eight questions they regularly ask each other to build emotional security.
1. ‘Anything special today?’
Life moves fast, and keeping track of your own schedule is hard enough, let alone your partner’s. Regular check-ins help couples stay aligned and show they care about what matters to each other.
You could also ask:
- “How is your day looking?”
- “Is there anything out of the ordinary happening today?”
2. ‘How can I show my appreciation for you?’
Gratitude doesn’t always have to look grand or romantic. Sometimes it’s doing a chore your partner dreads, picking up their favorite snack, or making their evening easier after a hard day.
When you ask how your partner most wants to be appreciated, you’re learning how to express love in the way they want and need.
You could also ask:
- “What would make you feel supported today?”
- “How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?”
3. ‘Do you want my opinion, or do you just want me to listen?’
This is one of the most useful questions a partner can ask. People talk for different reasons. Sometimes they want help solving a problem, and sometimes they just want to vent and feel understood. Emotionally attuned partners often ask what the other person needs from them in that moment.
You could also ask:
- “Can I offer some feedback, or do you want to just vent right now?”
- “I hear you, and I care. I have some observations if you’d like to hear them.”
4. ‘How can I help?’
Sometimes the best thing you can offer is not a solution, but practical help. That might mean taking something off their plate, stepping in with the kids, or giving them space to rest. Even when your partner says, “I’m fine,” asking this question communicates that they do not have to carry everything alone.
You could also ask:
- “Is there anything I can do to make today easier?”
- “Why don’t I take care of things for a bit so you can take a break?”
5. ‘Can we make some time to talk?’
Between work, family responsibilities and daily logistics, many couples spend more time managing life than actually talking about how they are doing. It could be 20 minutes after dinner or a walk on Saturday morning, ideally during a low-stress time when you can focus on each other.
You could also ask:
- “I want to make sure we have time to connect this week. When works for you?”
- “Can we carve out some time on Friday to talk?”
6. ‘How do you think we’re doing lately?’
Talking about the state of our relationship can be tough because sometimes we don’t want to be vulnerable or rehash old arguments. But checking in with our partner about their perception of relationship health is important to making repairs when something challenging happens.
You could also ask:
- “Is there anything that feels hard for us right now?”
- “What feels especially good between us right now?”
7. ‘What would be fun for us to do together?’
The healthiest relationships are grounded in play and shared joy. It can be anything from listening to a new album, taking a roadtrip, watching the next season of a favorite TV show, or even cooking a new recipe together can be bonding.
You could also ask:
- “What haven’t we done in a while that would be fun to bring back?”
- “Is there a movie, show or concert you want to see?”
8. ‘What larger themes are you working through?’
In long-term relationships, we are very likely to see our partner go through many phases of life characterized by growth in different areas. Directly asking your partner what they are grappling with, moving through, or themes they’re working through internally helps keep you close to your mate as they change over time.
You could also ask:
- “What’s been on your mind a lot lately?”
- “How do you feel like you’ve changed over the past year?”
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of the new book “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in romantic relationships, addictive behavior, and honesty. She received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School after earning her doctorate in clinical psychology from Texas A&M University. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren or Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
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