People who are confident and ‘demand more respect’ use these phrases: Career expert

Every job, when you boil it down, is simply people talking to other people. 

As a career coach, I’ve advised professionals at all career stages. From what I’ve seen, the people who get ahead the fastest know how to communicate in a way that truly gets people to listen. 

You may not realize it, but the language you use could be standing between you and what you want. 

Here are five simple language swaps that can help you succeed, forge meaningful relationships, and demand more respect at work.

You’re always going to face moments where you have a question you’re not quite sure how to ask. 

Maybe you want to work from home, take a sabbatical, or get an extra week of vacation for your honeymoon. Because these are high-stakes situations, most people walk into the conversation radiating anxiety, cornering their opponent, or blurting out a closed-ended, yes-or-no question.

But making an open-ended ask can take the pressure off both parties and invite a dialogue about a process, priority or norm. It makes you look thoughtful, rather than entitled. 

• Instead of “Can you write me a recommendation?” try “What does your typical process for writing recommendations look like?”
• Instead of “Can I leave early Friday?” try “How does the team typically handle flexibility on Fridays?”
• Instead of “Can I get a promotion?” try “What would you say should be my priorities if I want to get promoted this year?”

Whether it’s a typo in a Slack message or you’re running 15 minutes late to an important meeting, missteps happen. 

Genuine apologies are necessary at times, but over-apologizing often backfires. Research has found that habitual, unnecessary apologizing can erode how others perceive your competence and confidence. 

But it can also feel awkward not to acknowledge small mistakes, so I recommend replacing unnecessary apologies with gratitude. 

• Instead of “Sorry I’m a minute late!” try “Thank you so much for waiting. Let’s get started.”
• Instead of “Sorry for all the questions,” try “I really appreciate you taking the time to walk me through this.”
• Instead of “Sorry, I know this is last-minute,” try “Thanks for being flexible with the timeline. I know this is last-minute.”

The word “but” often negates everything that comes before it. Whenever you’re stating two things that are equally valid, I encourage you to replace “but” with “and.” 

• Instead of “I love my job, but I need a raise,” try “I love my job, and I need a raise.”
• Instead of “This was a great quarter, but we need to improve retention,” try “This was a great quarter, and we need to improve retention.”
• Instead of “I appreciate the feedback, but I disagree,” try “I appreciate the feedback, and I see it a bit differently.”

The “and” version of these examples doesn’t minimize either statement. It allows two things to be true at once, promoting greater nuance and clarity. 

“I feel like” can come across as gentle, soft, and humble, which are all wonderful things to be. But in a professional setting, it can soften your message to the point where it can be easily dismissed. It frames your professional observations as personal emotions. 

In a work environment where data and clarity carry weight, that framing can work against you. Here’s what you can say instead:

• Instead of “I feel like we’re behind schedule,” try “I’ve noticed we’re falling behind schedule.”
• Instead of “I feel like we should go with option two,” try “My recommendation is to move forward with option two.”
• Instead of “I feel like we aren’t on the same page,” try “It seems like we’re not aligned on this.”

Questions that begin with “why” can put people on the defensive. Even if unintended, “why” often implies judgment, asking someone to justify their choices or thinking.

When someone feels like they need to defend themselves, the conversation stops being collaborative and starts being adversarial. Instead, invite your conversation partner to walk you through their thought process, rather than demanding they explain themselves.

• Instead of “Why do you think launching a week earlier would be smart?” try “How do you think launching a week earlier would benefit the campaign?”
• Instead of “Why are you doing it like that?” try “What technique are you using?”
• Instead of “Why did you move the meeting?” try “What was the reason for moving the meeting?”
• Instead of “Why did you assume it wouldn’t work?” try “How did you come to that conclusion?”

Ultimately, when you make these shifts, the person you’re talking to will feel more heard and respected — and will be more willing to have an honest conversation with you as a result. 

Erin McGoff is the founder of AdviceWithErin and author of “The Secret Language of Work.” Follow her @AdviceWithErin.

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