Inspirational Thoughts of the Week:
We are taking the train to Happy Valley
won’t you also come there with me
Happy Valley is very beautiful there
with wonderful works
the sun shines all day
Every bird sings a different song
No need to worry, there are untold happiness
You’ll never grow old in Happy Valley
— “Happy Valley,” Rod and the Cavaliers
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located behind a giant lake of frying grease that’s held in a secret location in metro Dallas until the State Fair of Texas starts and it’s time to cook up butter balls and funnel cake burgers, we used to roll our eyes at the words “unprecedented times.” Why? Because once upon a time we believed that all time was antecedent. As William Shakespeare once wrote, “The past is prologue.” And as my Uncle Willie once told me while shaking an asparagus spear, “Don’t worry so much, Rhino. Nothing’s going to happen that hasn’t happened before.”
So, what changed in our minds? Penn State went to the Rose Bowl, not the Rose Bowl game, to play UCLA.
we’re trying to get through #down10 Media guide to see if a current coveted 5th spot team, which isn’t actually considered bad, has ever lost to an actual bottom 10 team before today. But the pages are stuck together. pic.twitter.com/eJf6vwnbbh
– Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) 5 October 2025
So what do we do now? A coveted fifth-place team that earned that coveted fifth-place finish by losing an OT game to a top 5 team, so we know the team isn’t really that bad, turns right around and loses to a bottom 10 team that we know is actually that bad. Does this mean the team should drop back to the coveted fifth place because it really isn’t that bad… or does it drop from the coveted fifth place to the actual bottom 10 because it really is that bad? And what about a team that was definitely bad but beat that team? Does it fall out of the bottom 10… or does it stay in the bottom 10 because maybe the team we thought wasn’t bad actually is?
To quote Cal Naughton Jr., a NASCAR driver who thought he was bad only because teammate Ricky Bobby wouldn’t let him win, thus keeping him thinking he was bad: “My head is all tied up like a pretzel. There’s a pretzel in my head!”
And do you know where they make the best pretzels? Pennsylvania.
With apologies to former SMU wide receiver Happy Nelson, former Florida State running back Happy Fike, current Kentucky D-lineman Nick “Happy” Smith and Steve Harvey, here are the bottom 10 rankings after Week 6.
The Bearcats were crushed by New Mexico State and now, after zero home contests in September, can spend most of October hanging out in friendly conference games in Huntsville, Texas.
The Beavers, the only six-loss team in the country, suffered a heartbreaking loss after traveling 4,477 miles from Boone, North Carolina, to Appalachian State. They now host Wake Forest, which will make a 4,624-mile round trip from Winston-Salem, North Carolina, to Corvallis and back. FWIW, Wake and App State are separated by 86 miles. The Biebs should have just stayed in North Carolina and eaten barbecue in the foothills, drinking moonshine and watching the autumn leaves turn orange and black, both the colors of the state of Oregon and the color of your liver after drinking real Carolina moonshine.
These were the actual Minutemen who were sitting on Bunker Hill, holding firm over Boston as the British were getting closer and closer, but they refused to engage because they were ordered by their commanding officer, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes!” That was us through the first six weeks of the season, because we weren’t waiting so patiently for Saturday’s pillow fight of the week of the Centennial Mega Bowl, pitting UMass against…
“Don’t fire until you see the golden glint in their eyes!”
“But sir, we can’t see their eyes!”
“Why not?”
“Because his eyes and cheeks are so bruised and swollen from the trips to Florida State and Oklahoma!”
So, the answer to the question we started with “so” in the introduction to this ranking is that, yes, you can consistently become the coveted fifth-place team. and all of you Texas Longhorns Fans can deposit thank you checks to Ryan McGee’s West Retirement Fund.
Last week I failed to include the Woof Pack in these rankings and I heard about it from a lot of people in Reno, who were upset that their hometown team wasn’t included. But they didn’t see the comments I’d received over the weeks from people who were disappointed that they’d been included. One of them was tied around the neck of a horse’s head that was on my bed, signed by someone named “Tahoe Tommy.”
I’ve also heard from a lot of people in Middle Tennessee wondering why the Murfreesboro Mob isn’t higher in these rankings, especially since their only win of the year was over Nevada, and that was by only one point. One of those notes was tied around the neck of a possum by my bed, signed by someone named “Chevy Tahoe Tammy.”
Oklahoma State’s leading passers, rushers and receivers have all combined for exactly zero touchdowns. The last time it was this low scoring in Stillwater was when I visited town for a Beanie Babies resale convention.
Let’s give credit to the Niners, who have played games every day of the week except Saturday to get national TV exposure. It’s perfect Halloween horror programming.
Emus barely beats Northern Il-ugh-Shor in the #MACtion showdown for the not so coveted tenth place. But that was merely a virtual showdown. This weekend they will meet in a real showdown, which starts an hour and a half before the UMass-Kent State game. Let’s call it the throw pillow fight of the week, because it’s a little smaller pillow that we have to move to get to the actual pillow.
waiting list: UCLA Boo-ins, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, UTEP, Bah-stan Cowledge, UNC Chapel Bills, Georgia State Not Southern, Stanford, My Hammy of Ohio, South Alabama Redundancies, Give Me Liberty or Give Me 1-4, Definition of Catch.
